Where do I start?  I don’t know.  How about this?  I don’t have an end in mind.   I don’t have the answer.  I know about as much as this: I’m on a different path than where I was a year ago.  Much different.  I don’t know where the road I’m on leads.  It’s unsettling and it’s exciting at the same time.  Hopefully that doesn’t sound fatalistic, it’s not meant to.

When we’re in our 20s, we’re pretty convinced we have all the answers and know everything…and maybe that’s a good thing, because we’re starting out as adults and trying to carve our path into the jungle of life, and it takes a somewhat fearless confidence to tackle the many things that are new and unexperienced in that period of time.  Today, it feels like I mostly have questions… I don’t expect the road to be straight, quite the opposite.  I don’t believe there’s a “destination” so much as periods of time in our lives and the transitions between them.  In thinking about this article, I wasn’t looking or expecting to share something profound or unique or necessarily insightful.  The goal was simply to relate some of the experience, both to share part of what I took out of this part of the journey, as well as to give myself a chance to reflect and try to find my own balance and peace with what occurred over the last 12 months.

In overall terms for 2016… It was a difficult year.  It was a great year.  It was discouraging.  It restored my hope and proved my faith.  It tested my patience to the limit.  It helped me become more patient.  It kicked my ass.  It made me a LOT stronger.  It challenged me.  It gave me perspective.  It was very unhealthy, yet I took my health and wellness to a level I never have before.  I jumped in.  I held back.  I leaned in and allowed myself to care.  I stepped back and walked away.  It was a study in duality… in contrasts… very significant ones.  It was wonderful.  It was agonizing.  I was at my center.  I was completely lost.  I saw people at their best.  I saw them at their worst.  I saw compassion.  I experienced callousness and apathy.  I kept others safe from harm.  I was in harm’s way.  I was proud.  I was ashamed.  I rejoiced.  I cried.  I struggled.  I overcame.

That’s a lot of contrasts to offer as a starting point… I understand that, but that was also the last year.  I can think of things that relate to everything in that list.  In most cases, many things.  Where they are unpleasant, that’s not something to feel very good about, but that’s just how things went.

It’s tempting to reflect on 2016 and say “we survived it”, but I don’t really feel like that’s the right message to summarize the experience.  It was an absolutely brutal year in terms of adversity, no question about it.  It was scary in every way it could be at times, and I characterized it as an “existential threat” at one point given how deep the hole I was in felt.  In retrospect, however, to acknowledge that also requires a nod to the reality that we overcame and survived the challenges we faced… and it’s something for which we have to be very thankful.  We walked on the edge of a razor, for a long time, but we also came out the other side relatively unscathed.  What we gave up, we can get back in time.  We retained the things we care the most about, and that means we were extremely successful despite the tradeoffs made.

Given that I don’t want this article to become unbearably long, I’ll focus on four aspects of 2016 that were significant and hopefully that will cover the “80%” that matters the most: Being healthy, Acting on beliefs, Making a professional transition, and Living an engaged life.  Perhaps some of this will resonate with others, maybe none of it will at all… it’s my experience and my perspective on it.  The nice thing about getting a little older is that I realize some of these impressions may be ones I see differently at some point in the future… our vantage point in life is so often determined by our present circumstance and environment and I don’t see it as revisionist history if we come back and see events in our life in a new light once we’ve move forward and take a second look.  Time can always provide perspective, when our goal is greater self-awareness and understanding.  Perhaps I’ll read this a year from today and see it all differently.  I don’t know… but hopefully I will have learned more getting to that point, and it won’t matter if I was completely wrong about something I’m saying today.

Being healthy

The simplest and best place to start is in terms of health for two reasons: it was entirely within my control and I did something fundamentally good for myself that made the year manageable.

In late 2015, through the inspiration of a fitness-minded friend, I started daily exercise that ran all the way through mid-November, where I completed 365 days of consecutive workouts, something I would’ve never thought possible.  I lost as much as 39 pounds at the lowest point, averaging somewhere around 35 for most of the last several months, and I got myself in the best shape I’ve been in, possibly in my entire life.  When I started, I didn’t think losing 25 pounds would be possible, I went way beyond that mark, and stayed there for a long duration.  There was also a period where I walked over 5 miles a day for roughly 90 days straight.  More than the workouts, I also significantly changed my diet, eliminating unhealthy foods, drinking pop, overeating, and generally got disciplined about everything.  I was also able to do so without compromising the foods that I enjoy, because the sustainability of what I was doing for my health was a paramount concern from day one.  I didn’t want to provide a short-term focus (albeit a year), do things I generally found unpleasant, and then slip right back into the wrong behaviors once I had completed the task.

So, there’s a difference between how I opened this part of the story versus what I just shared.  I didn’t start with why being healthy was important in terms of losing weight, getting stronger, or eliminating parts of an unhealthy diet, because those were the less important of the outcomes of what being healthy did for me in 2016.  Giving priority to my health gave me a sense of control and something to feel good about at a time when I otherwise felt out of control and sometimes very depressed about other things going on in my life.  I fundamentally believe that the reduced amount of stress I experienced, the optimism I felt, and the grounding I was somewhat able to maintain was a byproduct of the fact that I was taking care of myself.  It’s also worth noting that, over the course of the year of my workouts, I wasn’t sick once (save a few minor workout-related injuries, which is different), which is very unusual for me.  Had I not been exercising daily, taking those walks (where I always make time to pray and meditate), and focusing on my overall wellness, the challenges that came over the course of the year would have been a LOT more difficult to handle.  On my worst days, when I felt the most down, I used that frustration, sadness, and so on to motivate and drive myself to work out harder, to push myself a little more, and to tell myself that, no matter what else happened in a given day, I wasn’t going to compromise the things I could do to take care of myself.  It mattered and was one of the best things I did over the course of the year.

Heading into 2017, since completing the 365 day challenge, I’ve slipped off that level of consistency and moved back to the 25 pound line, which is certainly better than where I had originally been, but isn’t something with which I’m satisfied.  What I learned is how important being healthy is.  What I want to do in 2017 is figure out an approach that gives me a little more flexibility and variety, while still keeping me in a good state of wellness overall (physically and mentally).  Doing the same thing I did for a year feels like a “last year” thing now, and so I want to move forward and try something new… what that is, I don’t know, but I have a few ideas and it’s a matter of getting focused and started.  The clock is ticking and I know the amount of change ahead of me will require me to be on top of my health again… no question about it.

Acting on beliefs

With regard to this topic, I’ll share two statements about character that I remember from high school:
–          “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll stand for anything” – and –
–          “The highest compliment you can be paid is to be said to have the courage of your convictions”

In both cases, the words resonated with me in terms of having beliefs and standing behind them, which is probably why they have stayed with me for roughly thirty years since.

Beyond that, these are some fundamental beliefs I have:

I believe our character is tested and shows up when times are challenging.  It’s easy in my experience for anyone to look good when conditions are favorable, but the strong among us tend to emerge when things aren’t going well.  They are the people who step in and engage, who seek to make a difference.  That may not always be in a positive way, I should add, but the point is that the average crowd seems to include a lot of spectators and very few capable speakers.  Adversity is the litmus test for character.  Some are eager to deny their individual role and accountability, assign blame for the conditions to someone else, or step aside and leave problem solving to others.  In the case of the passive observer, my opinion is that they can do harm or good, depending on who is actually at the proverbial microphone, leading the discourse at such times.  If the prevailing direction isn’t a good one, it’s important to have people willing to stand up, raise a hand, and ask questions to avoid things heading in a worse direction from where they may be.  It takes courage and a willingness to go against the grain, which is difficult.  This is why character is so important.  We are defined in those moments: what we choose to do, what we choose to say, how we choose to engage… all of which fundamentally involve choice.

I believe we are defined by our actions, not our words. Again, I’ve known many people who talk a great game and can say all the right things, both personally and professionally, but then are nowhere to be found when leadership and action are needed or, worse yet, who act in direct contradiction of the words they maintain as their somewhat crafted and marketed public persona.  The latter of the two honestly disgusts me, and there’s no real way to make that sound pleasant because of the next point I’ll make on integrity.  If I had to choose between people who talk about doing the right thing, but do nothing when the opportunity presents itself and those who actually do harm while suggesting they are doing good… it’s not really even a contest.  That being said, I’ve also been blessed to meet and know people who do step in and take action in defense and service of others or of the greater good in difficult times.  People who say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, who throw themselves into the fray and accept the consequences of their choices, and choose to be a part of the solution.  I have always been an action-oriented person, and I suppose that’s why I’ve always had such a high degree of respect for people I see as participants versus spectators or combatants.  Consequently, it’s taken a lot of time and focus to try and improve my ability to deal effectively with people I see in the latter category, because almost inevitably, my sense of values and commitment to doing the right thing will tend to cause friction with people I see as putting others in harm’s way.

The reality is that the world we live in has threats, but not everything warrants intervention, and picking battles is something I’ve spent a lot of time trying to be more deliberate about, because despite the fact that I am not conflict avoidant, I hate conflict.  That is a difficult concept for some who know me to understand, because I will jump into the fray as and when I believe necessary, but I find the discord and strife very unsettling, and I generally don’t want to be a part of it.  I’d prefer that people just get along and not have to participate in the conflict at all… the problem is that someone needs to be willing to stand up for what they believe is right or take up the defense of others, and I believe those are fights worth fighting.

I believe integrity matters and it defines us.  I’d love to be able to say I’ve always been 100% honest.  I haven’t.  That being said, I’ve also been burned by the mistakes I’ve made badly enough and enough times that I have a very difficult time not being 100% honest today.  That said, there’s a big difference between being honest and being “right”, and I understand that distinction.  To me, having integrity is largely about being true to our beliefs, meaning what we say, saying what we mean, and standing behind those words, regardless of the audience.  If we can say something in one conversation, that version of our “truth” shouldn’t be any different when a different audience is present.  Speaking our truth, though, shouldn’t get in the way of being receptive and open to other points of view and being willing to acknowledge when we are wrong, and there is a significant amount of integrity to be found there as well.  Yes, it can take strength to present one’s views honestly in a difficult situation, but it can take even more courage at times to admit when you’re wrong… and that’s not always easy when the stakes are high.  The best thing I can say about being transparent and having high standards in terms of integrity is that it actually makes life a lot easier.  Maintaining alternate forms of truth seems pretty complex, time consuming, and stressful from my perspective, and it’s amazing how easy it is to answer questions and discuss things as many times as may be required when you’ve never “made something up” in the process.

Finally, I believe we shouldn’t be measured by what we have, but what we give, and what we do in service of others. It could be that this is a matter of mental self-preservation right now, given the challenges that came with losing my job in 2016, but ultimately I leaned in and invested in helping others despite the significant challenges we faced.  I don’t regret those choices, they are part of what I feel the best about, but they came with their own form of stress at times.  The time it will also take to dig out from the impact of those decisions could be material as things stand, but it served as a reminder of the importance we place on ourselves versus those we care about.  Arguably, I need to do a better job thinking through where those boundaries are heading into the new year, because I probably sacrificed more than I should have and at some point I need to make sure I don’t get crushed under the weight of what I give.

In any case, one of the things I feel good about coming out of 2016 was the things I did to help other people.  Conversely, heading into 2017, my inability to do the same at the level I previously have (given those investments) is somewhat frustrating right now, but who knows what may change in time as the year progresses.

Overall, I doubt that many would disagree with the beliefs I’ve expressed as good ones to have.  The question is really about living into them, and to that extent, I feel very good about the choices I made in 2016.  We can’t influence or control how others respond to our truth, our kindness, or our charity at times, but it doesn’t make the intention or the effort any less significant, and that’s something I continue to remind myself when necessary.

Making a professional transition

It’s tempting to focus on the journey of losing and finding a job, but that’s not really the goal of reflecting on the job transition that came in 2016.  I wrote a separate article on the learnings from the search experience already and hopefully that will prove helpful to others somehow.

What made 2016 significant in terms of job transition was the realization of the risk of allowing myself to stagnate professionally.  While I learned a great deal over the five and a half years of my job, I also became very complacent about the lack of challenge, ability to grow and learn, and unpleasant parts of the environment itself.  It was an interesting part of my search process to have a number of people ask me how I lasted so long doing what I was doing.  As much as that sounds like an insult to the organization, it really is a critique of the fact that I didn’t take an active enough role in looking for something different and something better, that would give me a larger sense of professional participation, engagement, and growth.  That’s 100% on me, and it was a major revelation of 2016.  I can’t be a passenger in my own career, and I settled for way too long for something I didn’t enjoy doing.  Moving forward, I need to do a much better job being open and aware of the possibilities to continue to learn and develop, whether within my current environment or in a new one.  I’ve never been a person who moved from company to company, and I don’t expect that to change.  I do, however, have an increased awareness of the reality of the concept of “at will” employment, and I paid the price of being largely unprepared for the reactive and somewhat morally questionable decisions that led to a major impact on me and a lot of other unsuspecting people in the middle of 2016.

Aside from general awareness, one other thing that I realized early in the year through an opportunity where I was deeply engaged in the interviewing process, was the passion I had for trying to engage at a different level in my work and truly drive significant results.  While I’ve always been very committed and results-oriented, I think the lack of emotional investment that I had for a number of years built up into a lot of untapped energy that I’ve yet to expend.  How and when that will come out, I’m really not sure, but there was a time early in 2016, with a specific opportunity, where I had the first real “let’s go do this!” level feeling I’ve had in a long time… and I hope that I can find that resonance either in what I’m now doing, or in whatever comes down the road.  That alignment of personal goals and organizational opportunity was there for a brief period of time, and while that specific position didn’t work out, it was a powerful experience in terms of my desire to push myself much harder than perhaps I have in some time.  Conversely, having that feeling and sense of possibility, and then not having it come to fruition was probably one of the largest disappointments of the year overall.  Not because it had any direct, real impact to me or my family, but because I felt the impact of the loss of possibility… I had allowed myself to envision what could be possible if that opportunity came to be, along with a set of other life changes that I was considering (at the time) as a result.  The first domino falling was meant to set off others, and unfortunately, it fell in the wrong direction, leaving a lot of other things I had considered as positive steps standing and stuck right where they were.  Considering that my job then went in the wrong direction only a few months later, it was a compounded impact that has been difficult to overcome, but hopefully will subside and be replaced with a new vision as 2017 gets into motion.

Living an engaged life

This final point is honestly more about 2017 in the sense of action, but the realization for the need to change did come over the course of 2016.

I was very blessed during the course of the year to be inspired to change; to revisit what I’ve been doing, how I’ve been thinking, how I’ve been living, how my passion hadn’t really been leveraged in the right ways… a lot of things that come to living life to the fullest.  I was and probably still am… falling short.  That isn’t to say I don’t have a full life, or a million things going on, or things to feel good about, or anything like that.  The point is whether I was sitting back and being a passenger or leaning forward and being the driver enough of the time.

One of the things I came to realize over course of the year was that I allowed myself to slip into too much of a passive and risk-averse position, for many reasons.  The point, however, is that I’ve wanted that to change, and through a combination of choice and circumstance, I started coming around that corner through the course of the year.  While I’m not suggesting that we can or should control life, which is not possible, I want to find a way to enjoy the ride and explore the side roads a little more than perhaps I have been for the last few years (at a minimum).  All the reasons that I decided to choose peace and stability for a period of time were reasonable and arguably necessary coming out of some difficult experiences several years ago, but I believe that time period has ended and a new one is here… the question is really taking the first steps out onto the new road and seeing where it will lead, accepting the challenge it represents, but looking for the opportunities to enjoy the experience along the way.

Summing it all up, as I said at the opening, 2016 was a year of significant contrasts and a year of major change… I could see it for the obstacles and adversity, but I’m trying very much to see it for what I learned and what it did to make me stronger and give me new perspective heading into a new year.  Whether I’ll be able to say something similar at the end of 2017, I have no idea… but I certainly expect I’ll see and experience things I haven’t before, and maybe that’s exactly what I’ve needed for some time.

So, thank you 2016.  I’m really glad you’re over.  I’m looking forward to seeing what I can do to make 2017 put you to shame… but if all you did was teach me I am strong and I can survive adversity, you did your job well… and I’ll probably come back and thank you for it later.  In the meantime, I have work to do…

-CJG 01/02/2017