I recently settled into a new townhome, after several weeks of relatively stressful searching, in between trips out of town for work.

I moved to a smaller place, from a house that was, by any account, WAY too large for me.  The new place feels very cozy and oddly very comfortable despite being relatively unfamiliar.  I wonder why it is, though, that I feel a passing sadness at the place I called “home” for the last six years.

I didn’t choose this situation, the owner of the place I’d been renting encountered some hardship and needed to sell relatively quickly.  I didn’t have any idea and had done a number of other things under the assumption I’d renew my lease in July and leave that one piece of the larger puzzle of my life in place for another year or two.  Well… life has a way of being disruptive, as I’ve been reminded multiple times in the last couple years, and I guess I was resting in the wrong place for my sense of safety.

It’s funny how we associate so many things with the place we live.  Our memories… our hopes… our plans… it can be a sanctuary… our sense of a “home base”, even when we’re not there a lot… it’s an address that gives us a place in the universe that is uniquely and distinctly ours.

I came to my home after having six addresses in a period of three years.  I didn’t know what to expect, so I resisted the temptation to “settle in” for a really long time, assuming something bad might happen, as had been happening pretty frequently in the period of 2010/2011, and I might need to move on again.  Over six years, I hung exactly one picture of my girls on the wall.  No paintings, no new paint.  I was, in many ways, a tenant or a resident in someone else’s home… but it still came to represent a place I felt I belonged, during a period where there were times I didn’t seem to belong anywhere.

I was extremely lucky in where I landed, on a cul-de-sac surrounded by an incredible group of neighbors that I now consider friends.  Of all the places I’ve could have lived, I ended up in a place with probably the best sense of “community” of anywhere I’d been.  I didn’t leave with regrets.  I left feeling very blessed for the time I had.  I came out of a time of utter turmoil and heartache and found the thing I wanted more than anything else: a sense of peace.

I took walks nearly every day and became acquainted with an extended set of people, the vast majority of whom I never “met” beyond passing them on the path, and seeing them day after day.  I would say “hello” or “good morning” and observe the responses.  At first, most people wouldn’t say anything.  Over time, though, when you see the same people daily for months and ultimately years, it’s amazing how even the most silent person will eventually open up and return the greeting.  It was one of my favorite parts of my daily walks… the sense that maybe a little hello could bring the world just a little closer, at a time when people seem so disconnected and fearful overall.  One act of kindness, one nod, one smile to start a person’s day… some people eventually began to extend the discussion with me, starting the hellos farther away, so we’d have time to comment on the weather, how the other person was doing.  Such a simple thing, but such good energy to have in a day.  I would walk past the local CrossFit box, wave to John (the head trainer), get the wave back, notice some of the class react as well… odd how such a little thing can fill us up with a sense of connectedness.  I will need to start all over now, find a route to walk, meet a new set of random people, begin building the bridges all over again.  It will be fun to experience the evolution from the beginning once again.

At a broader level, I think that’s part of what makes moving difficult.  Even only having moved seven miles from my last place, it’s like I need to completely reset all of my understood norms.  Where I shop, where we eat… finding the best local pizza place, the best Chinese, Mexican… etc.  The good news is that I landed in an area with a LOT more selection close by than where I was before, and so it’s a relatively exciting opportunity to find something new.

And maybe that’s why, despite the sense of loss and sadness over having to move, I haven’t quite settled on how I feel.  I’ve had a very rough stretch of time, pretty much in every way you can, from late 2015 till now… and I’m tired.  That being said, I can see things have started to change, and it’s like I’m still somewhere in the middle.  We can never see to the other side of a bridge we haven’t crossed over yet, and maybe that’s why I’m uncertain about how to take all of this in.

Oddly, I’m hopeful and excited about what it could mean.  I needed a reset.  I allowed myself to become complacent and stagnate.  I enjoyed my “peace” too much, and that solace became a prison to my creativity.  Thankfully, a few experiences of the last couple years showed me I have way more energy and passion to bring into the world than what had been occurring.  I feel the start of something different, and that could be very explosively special, if I only have the courage to keep moving towards it and not stop too long to look back at where I was.

I need to look at the past as the set of things that made me stronger and wiser for what lays ahead, but not allow my desire to rewrite my own history to keep me from finding a better future.  Life is meant to be lived in every moment we are blessed to have… and right now, I’m moving forward.

I started this article with the simple desire to write about how I felt, given my recent move… and what it is to find “home”.  Ultimately, to me, our sense of “home” is rooted in the feeling in our heart that we are where we belong, doing what we are meant to do, at that point in time… put me in any hotel, apartment, or house you want… what I know today is that I need to focus on finding the fulfillment I’ve been seeking so long that I stopped looking for a while.  And that will start by being content with my circumstance, radiating out my capacity for love and joy to those around, and letting the universe respond in kind…  If I can have the courage to do that… then I’ve already found my new home…

-CJG 08/13/2017