Perspective

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How large we feel, within our minds,
And the importance that it brings,
That we are meant, to rule the world,
…Our rightful place in things.

And on we march, with heads held down,
To climb that nearest hill,
It may not even be, required,
But simply for the thrill.

To know that we’re, above it all,
And feel that awesome power,
For nothing should ever seem so grand,
To make our spirits cower.

And yet, we are, so small in ways,
Just grains of tiny sand,
While in our minds, we rule it all,
To the oak, we’re just the ants.

And the farther we go, the worse it gets,
The Earth amongst the stars,
And all the universe, beyond our reach,
The lights at night, afar.

So strange that is, we lose our sight,
Of the scale that’s all around,
It’s worth the time, to give it thought,
To keep our feet, aground.

For this simple thought, can give us much,
To keep us free of greed,
And a little dose of humility goes,
A long way towards that need.

For all we are, is simple beings,
Put here to find our way,
And find our truth, within the stars,
That mission for our day.

And if we seek, that inner peace,
A harmony with those we meet,
And refrain from all our selfish thoughts,
Our lives will be more sweet.

For in the times, we give ourselves,
In service to the rest,
We’ll find rewards, beyond our reach,
A glory that is best.

For no one can, find their way,
Entirely on their own,
We need the help of those around,
Not journey ourselves alone.

And such a simple change it is,
To keep these thoughts in mind,
That when we meet another soul,
To make the effort, to just be kind.

And through this change, we’ll likely see,
Our place is really small,
But with that little perspective gained…
We’ll then receive it all.

For the times we need to see the bigger picture and accept our place in the universe… what we can and can’t control… and be at peace with it all… by keeping things in perspective.

-CJG 03/12/2017

The Prayer

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I said a prayer into the wind,
One bright and sunny day,
I asked for God to heal my wounds,
…To take my pain away.

I listened to the leaves above,
As they moved with passing breeze,
I tried to set my thoughts aside,
To find that quiet, that ease…

I’ve never been so good at this,
To silence the deafening noise,
Because we’re taught to face our fears,
From the time we’re little boys.

And yet, at times, that’s not the path,
To walk towards our foe,
We’re meant to back away and wait,
And accept what we don’t know.

And in those times, we test our faith,
Our belief in God’s own plan,
That goes beyond, our line of sight,
Beyond the control of man.

And fear sweeps in, as we move on,
To challenge our every step.
And thoughts can race, and make it worse,
To drive us to the depths.

And when we’re down, we have to stop,
And commit ourselves to fight,
To rise against our darkest fears,
And find that guiding light.

For in our hearts, is all we need,
To find that blessed road,
God placed it there, when we were born,
Right in our very soul.

And all we need, is just some faith,
To close our eyes with trust,
And know that God will find a way,
To show that path to us.

So take another step, my friend,
And listen for that reply.
Because your prayer, will be answered soon,
And it will raise your spirit high.

For the times we seek direction, and the times we need to be open to listen to the wind.

-CJG 03/05/2017

Peace

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Find comfort in the silence,
Slow things down and take your time,
Find ways to ignore to noise you hear,
Find peace within your mind.

Close your eyes and hear the wind blow,
Feel the sun upon your face,
Find yourself a calmer shore,
And dwell within that place.

Ignore the waves, you see around,
Hear the waters reach the shore,
For it’s what we choose to see and hear,
That makes our experience even more.

Celebrate the day that’s done,
And set your mind at ease,
Take a breath and rest your feet a while,
Give yourself time to be at peace.

Look up and see the stars above,
Get lost within their light,
Draw another deep, long breath,
And know you’ll be alright.

Find comfort in the universe,
That’s unfolding as it should,
Rest and know, you’ve done your best today,
And it’s all that anyone could.

Be patient with what tomorrow brings,
It will come in its own time,
And when you rise and life begins,
No doubt that you’ll be fine.

So close your eyes, and sleep tonight,
And wash away your sorrow,
Take strength in knowing, you’re not alone,
And you’ll start again tomorrow.

For the strength it takes each day… to be grateful… to set aside worry… and to find peace in silence.

-CJG 01/26/2017

My Time “Making Homes Affordable”

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It seemed like such a good idea at the time… I have a problem, what should I do?  Get help!  Yeah, that’s it. Get. Help.  From an expert.  Someone who knows… stuff.  Stuff I don’t know, because I’m a commoner, a layman, I wear the clothing of the ‘average’ tribe… and, well, I’m just not that damn special.  I haven’t been to the crucible of where this knowledge is kept, it’s not on my Dora the Explorer map in my backpack… in my backpack… in my BACKPACK! (Dora… for God’s sake, how many times must you be reminded?  Idiot.  You suck at exploring, which, as an “explorer”, isn’t a compliment.).

In any case, I made the brave and courageous effort today to seek help with my mortgage refinance.  It would seem that the hardships we experienced last year put us in a position where conventional approaches are not going to help, so we need to pull out the big guns, ask the experts, explore the backroads, talk to our actual lenders… and essentially brace ourselves for the financial equivalent of a lower GI examination.  Ok, whatever, sure.  Why not?  Can we cover a prostate exam while you’re in there?  Two for the price of one?  Ok, maybe a bit much… but you get the point.  I hate this shit.

Ok, I know a little bit about this thing called math.  I’ve been doing it since some teacher forced me to use a pencil and solve stuff.  I know there are people who are better at it than me, but I’ve taken quite a bit of it through the course of my education, which means most of those people are…to me… weenies and math nerds… and they can just shut up and go live somewhere where non-Euclidian geometry actually matters.  I am an American dammit… we say “fuck you metric system”/rest of THE WORLD and we’re proud of it.  If I wasn’t a damn engineer, I would’ve happily avoided all those conversions altogether…I know a kilometer is shorter than a mile, a meter is shorter than a yard (wait, it’s the other way around…? Shit)… forget it, don’t ask me about kilograms and pounds… I don’t plan to live in Canada anyway…(though Toronto is beautiful and eclectic).  Europe… that’s a long flight.  Wait, I’m off track aren’t I?  Oops.

The point is that I’ve looked at my financial situation about 100 ways, I’ve tracked out my expenses at a detailed level for the last year, I have a pretty good idea what the income and expenses look like under the new regime of my current job, and the math doesn’t work out.  Not for a while anyway, then it will get corrected in a big way, and then we’ll be fine.  The problem is really getting between now and then, and it’s too tight, and a big reason it’s too tight is our mortgages… well and college… there’s that… but that’s a different thing, and I might as well plan a mission to mars while I’m looking for that kind of cash flow.

So, back to the person with the rubber gloves, I mean help line.  I looked up the government’s “Making Homes Affordable” site.  These are the guys.  The people.  The honchos.  Those in the know.  The people will all the keys to all the doors, notwithstanding those that have been privatized… damn corporations and capitalism.  Wait, wrong topic.  Ok, the government.  They’re here to help.  Good news!  That’s what I wanted to hear.  The helpline is out there 24×7, in 170 languages, no less.  This shit makes me want to call and go for the most obscure language imaginable, just to see what happens… like, where every third word requires you to clear your throat, belch, spit, or make a sound only audible to 2% of the world’s population.  THAT 170th language….  Gimme that… with a few vocal clicks and a dance in the middle of each sentence.  Of course, they could pick up that line, start clicking, dancing, and spitting… and I’d be like… oh shit, how do I respond to this and not insult the person on the other end of the line?  Seems SO worth the trip though… I’m never gonna visit THAT country, wherever the hell it is.  Even Dora isn’t gonna try that one.  You’d never be able to repeat the directions three times and expect it to work out.  A linguistic and phonetic nightmare… wrapped up in dance and clicking sounds.  Wait… shit.  I’m off topic again.  Sorry.

Yeah, so I dialed in.  I pressed “1”.  English.  Not the screwed up British version with the “our” thing… color is spelled like this people… Save the letters.  Save the paper.  Save the trees.  I didn’t realize it till now, but maybe the British just hate the environment for all those extra letters.  It’s not that I hate tea, I just prefer coffee… Why can’t they just… oh crap, off track again.  Sorry.  I choose the language, then tell the system what type of problem I have so they can direct my call accordingly… yep, “2” – I need help with refinancing.

After hearing my call will be recorded, I am transferred to a nice person who introduces herself as “Nicole”.  Now, I just changed Nicole’s name, because… you know… there’s probably only one “Nicole” doing this stuff in the first place, and I don’t want her to feel bad.

You know, it could just be me, but whenever I call somewhere and the first thing I hear is that my call will be recorded, it makes me wonder what the hell is coming next.  Like… what kind of bullshit, crappy experience is waiting for me, that they’re recording this for “quality assurance” reasons.  This has nothing to do with “quality”, people.  This is so I hear that little message and try to contain my frustration, no matter what kind of ridiculous poor service is about to be delivered over the call.  That’s why it’s there.  It’s like the service provider is saying, “We know you are about to get pissed off.  We get it.  But please be aware… we’re recording this shit.  If you allow your frustration to get the better of you, and you unload on the person doing a terrible job servicing your needs… we’re going to take this recording, and we’re going to call your mother… and she’s gonna hear that potty mouth of yours, and YOU’RE the one who’s gonna be in trouble then.”  Yep, it’s more like that.  Totally.

So, Nicole introduces herself and asks me to explain the situation.    I then proceed to explain the situation.  I lost my job.  We struggled.  I’ve looked at the numbers.  They don’t add up.  The conventional mortgage route seems blocked.  We need help figuring this out.  Take that, add five minutes to provide the necessary context, and you’re pretty much caught up.

Nicole thanks me and says, “Ok, I should tell you a little bit about our service…” and proceeds to read me the headline-level boiler plate description of what the program is, that it’s free, and that she can connect me with a credit counselor, who can assist me once I provide a couple pieces of information on myself and the property of interest.  Wait.  What?  You’re not the counselor?  Who the fuck are you and why did you answer the phone?  And, for that matter, why did you just ask me what the situation was if you aren’t the person who is going to do anything to help me?  Are you literally a person who reads me a description of the service itself, gets my consent to continue, and transfers the call?  Yep, that sounds like the US Government at work.  I’m at the DMV… but on the phone.  One person to tell me where the person who is actually working sits.  That’s a job.  A job from which you basically can’t get fired.  Efficiency at its finest.

Ok, Nicole gives me a little secret code number and transfers my call.  I am forced to listen to a two-minute disclaimer on my privacy and… well, I don’t know really.  I checked out at the two second mark, having filed the message under “legal, CYA bullshit” and moved on.  A nice lady named Dora picks up (no her name wasn’t “Dora”, but I have issues with Dora, so it should be fine to lump this situation on her…).  Actually, that’s not fair.  Let’s go with “Flo”, like that annoying woman from the Progressive commercials.  Oh my god.  Her.  Yes.  Her.  Take Flo, age her 50 years.  That.  That’s the person who picked up my call.

I knew we were in trouble immediately.  Flo first asked me to confirm that I heard the disclaimer/privacy thing… um… yeah, sure… 100%… totally… memorized that shit…. and then asked me for the little secret five number code given to me by Nicole, I gave it, and she came back that she needed me to repeat it, because I went a little too fast for her to hear me.  Oh God.  We’re in trouble on step 1: the Transfer of the Call.  This may not be good.

Well, Flo asked me the situation and I proceeded to basically retell the entire story I had told to Nicole… but now for the person meant to actually help me address the problem.  At last, someone who can jump in the boat and row with me.  Finally.  I finished explaining the situation, along with the type of modifications I believe I need at this point, and Flo explains that we need to go through some questions so she can prepare the necessary financial plan to give me options and sound advice.  I think it was something like that, but I don’t have the note card she was reading off of, so I’m not 100% sure.  I do know that nothing I heard had anything to do with what I had just said.  I guess this was round 2 of “let the consumer air out their frustration so they can be productive once we start really discussing the problem.”  Clearly nothing I said went anywhere but into the ether… and I’m pretty sure Flo didn’t get any of it.

I should pause to note that writing about this experience won’t and can’t do it justice for minimally one reason alone: the reader has the benefit of being able to read at their own pace, and that’s bullshit and unfair.  To really share in this experience, you should have to read through blurry reading glasses that are partially covered in gook, forcing you to re-read sections over and over again, while half asleep, so your comprehension is extremely limited.  Reading at a normal pace is nowhere near the slow, deliberate, applesauce-eating, idiot-level complexity the actual discussion used.  I felt like I was driving the Eisenhower to downtown Chicago in the middle of rush hour… and moving more slowly, which is really saying something.

Flo and I proceeded to spend the next hour and forty minutes going through her survey questions, talking about the properties, our income, our assets, our expenses, liabilities, etc. etc.  Thank goodness, I had all my information at my fingertips because, you know, that part about I did the math already.

So, at one or two points Flo asks about what I’m doing with Kathy and I’m reminded how people seem to want to weigh in on how I’m handling my divorce and the associated arrangements.  I found the most polite way I could to remind her we were having a financial and not a morality discussion and I’d rather we focus on ways to make the math work, because I honestly don’t give a damn what anyone thinks about how I choose to support my family.  If I’m stupid, the good news is I’m the guy paying for it, so I can live with those choices.  In the meantime, focus Flo… focus.

Flo takes the numbers I have in my cash flow analysis spreadsheet, transfers them into her system and verifies that… yes… the math doesn’t work.  Wonderful!  Awesome.  An hour and a half of watching paint dry to get here, but we’ve reached the summit and now the eternal wisdom of the informed can be bestowed upon me.  Finally.  After almost two fucking hours (sorry mom, but that’s the deal).  I should mention that, in the middle of the question and answer period, Flo did ask if I had ever been bankrupt.  With the amount of fatigue and annoyance I already had in the 2 mph paced conversation, I went with “Not yet…” and laughed.  Nothing.  Crickets.  Tumbleweed… and somehow I was stupid enough to be surprised that Flo didn’t get it.  Clearly she missed her electroshock session today, and I should’ve seen that at the start of the call.  Made me repeat a five digit code like it was 100 digits of Pi…  Two seconds in.

Ok, so Flo tells me about the company she works for, and reminds me about the services they provide.  Gotcha.  Roger.  Heard that at the open, but the reminder is totally good.  What you got?  Flo then tells me that, in the event of being late more than 90 days after a few months, mortgage companies can initiate foreclosure proceedings (no, I don’t know why she jumped there), and it would normally be 10-14 months before that plays out, but there’s a backlog in Illinois, and you’d have basically between 24-27 months in the house before anything would happen.

Hang on Flo.  What’s the recommendation?  Well… upon careful consideration… in reviewing our “financial platform”… (not sure where that expression came from, because right now I don’t think that “platform” can support us)… Flo recommended that we continue to pay our monthly bills and look for ways to reduce expenses moving into the future.

Wait.  WHAT?  “Pay our bills?”, I asked, “With what money?”   I quickly assessed the value of waiving my standing rule on being respectful to one’s elders, recorded call be damned… and held back.  She had just confirmed that, when considering escrow and other things, we are theoretically in a negative position, something I said at the outset… the math doesn’t add up Dora… the math doesn’t add up… the math doesn’t add up… Bennie’s barn.  Swiper, no swiping.  The map.  Well, she may as well have been Dora, because I did say that at least three times over the couple hours and obviously she needed to see it in her own spreadsheet to tell me something I knew before calling.  That being said, her advice, as a counselor was to keep paying on a negative cash position… which, in financial terms, is fucking idiotic.  Well, actually, given the US Government spends money they don’t have, maybe I just need to consider the source and understand why the economics of that don’t seem ridiculous and impractical to the person offering the advice… from their perspective, that math DOES work… I’m the idiot.

In any case, Flo seemed content to go with that “option”, let me know that I’d get a copy of the report and recommendations in email and the actual mail, and moved to wrapping it up.  Hmm.  We missed something I think.  “Wait, what about trying to get modifications on the two loans?”  I asked, wondering if we were going to touch on the reason I called in the first place… two hours into this structured fiasco.  “Well, you can certainly talk to your lenders, but I’d recommend that you continue to pay your bills, starting with your property obligations, and then see what you can do to adjust your expenses.”  It was at this point that I realized Flo is probably a confederate of the lenders, sent here to discourage me from trying to fix the situation at all.  Ok Flo, if that’s how you want to play it…

Flo switched to wrap up mode and asked if I found the call helpful.  “No.”  Would I recommend the service to a friend with a similar situation.  “No.”  On a scale of 1-5, 5 being the most… “1.”  She politely said she was sorry that the discussion was not satisfying and asked what my primary concern was.   At that point, I was so flabbergasted at the ineffectiveness of the entire thing that I just said I hadn’t learned anything I didn’t already know and came away with no viable options to address my home financing beyond ‘paying my mortgage’, which obviously was an issue or I never would’ve called in the first place… but it’s all good, and I appreciated her time.  At the end of the call, I was acutely aware that I knew more about the situation and the options than my “counselor”, and I didn’t want to spend another minute trying to explain why the last two hours were a total waste of time.  Thank God that call was being recorded for “quality” purposes.

Overall, the best I can say about today’s experience is that I can laugh about it, because to think on the futility of reaching out for help, explaining the situation multiple times, sharing all the information required by the process, just to hear “march on, soldier boy!”… my alternative reaction wouldn’t be as productive.

For those considering use of the helpline: I hope your experience is better than mine… perhaps it was just poor luck, alignment of the planets, mercury in retrograde, full moon… no idea.  It didn’t work, but I’m glad I tried, because otherwise I would have to think about the possibility that maybe I didn’t exhaust all the avenues available before making the choices we now need to make.  It’s possible I’ve still missed something and there’s a solution to be found, but for today, I’d give Dora a better shot of finding her way to the desired destination…

-CJG 01/07/2017

Reflections on 2016

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Where do I start?  I don’t know.  How about this?  I don’t have an end in mind.   I don’t have the answer.  I know about as much as this: I’m on a different path than where I was a year agoMuch different.  I don’t know where the road I’m on leads.  It’s unsettling and it’s exciting at the same time.  Hopefully that doesn’t sound fatalistic, it’s not meant to.

When we’re in our 20s, we’re pretty convinced we have all the answers and know everything…and maybe that’s a good thing, because we’re starting out as adults and trying to carve our path into the jungle of life, and it takes a somewhat fearless confidence to tackle the many things that are new and unexperienced in that period of time.  Today, it feels like I mostly have questions… I don’t expect the road to be straight, quite the opposite.  I don’t believe there’s a “destination” so much as periods of time in our lives and the transitions between them.  In thinking about this article, I wasn’t looking or expecting to share something profound or unique or necessarily insightful.  The goal was simply to relate some of the experience, both to share part of what I took out of this part of the journey, as well as to give myself a chance to reflect and try to find my own balance and peace with what occurred over the last 12 months.

In overall terms for 2016… It was a difficult year.  It was a great year.  It was discouraging.  It restored my hope and proved my faith.  It tested my patience to the limit.  It helped me become more patient.  It kicked my ass.  It made me a LOT stronger.  It challenged me.  It gave me perspective.  It was very unhealthy, yet I took my health and wellness to a level I never have before.  I jumped in.  I held back.  I leaned in and allowed myself to care.  I stepped back and walked away.  It was a study in duality… in contrasts… very significant ones.  It was wonderful.  It was agonizing.  I was at my center.  I was completely lost.  I saw people at their best.  I saw them at their worst.  I saw compassion.  I experienced callousness and apathy.  I kept others safe from harm.  I was in harm’s way.  I was proud.  I was ashamed.  I rejoiced.  I cried.  I struggled.  I overcame.

That’s a lot of contrasts to offer as a starting point… I understand that, but that was also the last year.  I can think of things that relate to everything in that list.  In most cases, many things.  Where they are unpleasant, that’s not something to feel very good about, but that’s just how things went.

It’s tempting to reflect on 2016 and say “we survived it”, but I don’t really feel like that’s the right message to summarize the experience.  It was an absolutely brutal year in terms of adversity, no question about it.  It was scary in every way it could be at times, and I characterized it as an “existential threat” at one point given how deep the hole I was in felt.  In retrospect, however, to acknowledge that also requires a nod to the reality that we overcame and survived the challenges we faced… and it’s something for which we have to be very thankful.  We walked on the edge of a razor, for a long time, but we also came out the other side relatively unscathed.  What we gave up, we can get back in time.  We retained the things we care the most about, and that means we were extremely successful despite the tradeoffs made.

Given that I don’t want this article to become unbearably long, I’ll focus on four aspects of 2016 that were significant and hopefully that will cover the “80%” that matters the most: Being healthy, Acting on beliefs, Making a professional transition, and Living an engaged life.  Perhaps some of this will resonate with others, maybe none of it will at all… it’s my experience and my perspective on it.  The nice thing about getting a little older is that I realize some of these impressions may be ones I see differently at some point in the future… our vantage point in life is so often determined by our present circumstance and environment and I don’t see it as revisionist history if we come back and see events in our life in a new light once we’ve move forward and take a second look.  Time can always provide perspective, when our goal is greater self-awareness and understanding.  Perhaps I’ll read this a year from today and see it all differently.  I don’t know… but hopefully I will have learned more getting to that point, and it won’t matter if I was completely wrong about something I’m saying today.

Being healthy

The simplest and best place to start is in terms of health for two reasons: it was entirely within my control and I did something fundamentally good for myself that made the year manageable.

In late 2015, through the inspiration of a fitness-minded friend, I started daily exercise that ran all the way through mid-November, where I completed 365 days of consecutive workouts, something I would’ve never thought possible.  I lost as much as 39 pounds at the lowest point, averaging somewhere around 35 for most of the last several months, and I got myself in the best shape I’ve been in, possibly in my entire life.  When I started, I didn’t think losing 25 pounds would be possible, I went way beyond that mark, and stayed there for a long duration.  There was also a period where I walked over 5 miles a day for roughly 90 days straight.  More than the workouts, I also significantly changed my diet, eliminating unhealthy foods, drinking pop, overeating, and generally got disciplined about everything.  I was also able to do so without compromising the foods that I enjoy, because the sustainability of what I was doing for my health was a paramount concern from day one.  I didn’t want to provide a short-term focus (albeit a year), do things I generally found unpleasant, and then slip right back into the wrong behaviors once I had completed the task.

So, there’s a difference between how I opened this part of the story versus what I just shared.  I didn’t start with why being healthy was important in terms of losing weight, getting stronger, or eliminating parts of an unhealthy diet, because those were the less important of the outcomes of what being healthy did for me in 2016.  Giving priority to my health gave me a sense of control and something to feel good about at a time when I otherwise felt out of control and sometimes very depressed about other things going on in my life.  I fundamentally believe that the reduced amount of stress I experienced, the optimism I felt, and the grounding I was somewhat able to maintain was a byproduct of the fact that I was taking care of myself.  It’s also worth noting that, over the course of the year of my workouts, I wasn’t sick once (save a few minor workout-related injuries, which is different), which is very unusual for me.  Had I not been exercising daily, taking those walks (where I always make time to pray and meditate), and focusing on my overall wellness, the challenges that came over the course of the year would have been a LOT more difficult to handle.  On my worst days, when I felt the most down, I used that frustration, sadness, and so on to motivate and drive myself to work out harder, to push myself a little more, and to tell myself that, no matter what else happened in a given day, I wasn’t going to compromise the things I could do to take care of myself.  It mattered and was one of the best things I did over the course of the year.

Heading into 2017, since completing the 365 day challenge, I’ve slipped off that level of consistency and moved back to the 25 pound line, which is certainly better than where I had originally been, but isn’t something with which I’m satisfied.  What I learned is how important being healthy is.  What I want to do in 2017 is figure out an approach that gives me a little more flexibility and variety, while still keeping me in a good state of wellness overall (physically and mentally).  Doing the same thing I did for a year feels like a “last year” thing now, and so I want to move forward and try something new… what that is, I don’t know, but I have a few ideas and it’s a matter of getting focused and started.  The clock is ticking and I know the amount of change ahead of me will require me to be on top of my health again… no question about it.

Acting on beliefs

With regard to this topic, I’ll share two statements about character that I remember from high school:
–          “If you don’t stand for something, you’ll stand for anything” – and –
–          “The highest compliment you can be paid is to be said to have the courage of your convictions

In both cases, the words resonated with me in terms of having beliefs and standing behind them, which is probably why they have stayed with me for roughly thirty years since.

Beyond that, these are some fundamental beliefs I have:

I believe our character is tested and shows up when times are challenging.  It’s easy in my experience for anyone to look good when conditions are favorable, but the strong among us tend to emerge when things aren’t going well.  They are the people who step in and engage, who seek to make a difference.  That may not always be in a positive way, I should add, but the point is that the average crowd seems to include a lot of spectators and very few capable speakers.  Adversity is the litmus test for character.  Some are eager to deny their individual role and accountability, assign blame for the conditions to someone else, or step aside and leave problem solving to others.  In the case of the passive observer, my opinion is that they can do harm or good, depending on who is actually at the proverbial microphone, leading the discourse at such times.  If the prevailing direction isn’t a good one, it’s important to have people willing to stand up, raise a hand, and ask questions to avoid things heading in a worse direction from where they may be.  It takes courage and a willingness to go against the grain, which is difficult.  This is why character is so important.  We are defined in those moments: what we choose to do, what we choose to say, how we choose to engage… all of which fundamentally involve choice.

I believe we are defined by our actions, not our words. Again, I’ve known many people who talk a great game and can say all the right things, both personally and professionally, but then are nowhere to be found when leadership and action are needed or, worse yet, who act in direct contradiction of the words they maintain as their somewhat crafted and marketed public persona.  The latter of the two honestly disgusts me, and there’s no real way to make that sound pleasant because of the next point I’ll make on integrity.  If I had to choose between people who talk about doing the right thing, but do nothing when the opportunity presents itself and those who actually do harm while suggesting they are doing good… it’s not really even a contest.  That being said, I’ve also been blessed to meet and know people who do step in and take action in defense and service of others or of the greater good in difficult times.  People who say what needs to be said, do what needs to be done, who throw themselves into the fray and accept the consequences of their choices, and choose to be a part of the solution.  I have always been an action-oriented person, and I suppose that’s why I’ve always had such a high degree of respect for people I see as participants versus spectators or combatants.  Consequently, it’s taken a lot of time and focus to try and improve my ability to deal effectively with people I see in the latter category, because almost inevitably, my sense of values and commitment to doing the right thing will tend to cause friction with people I see as putting others in harm’s way.

The reality is that the world we live in has threats, but not everything warrants intervention, and picking battles is something I’ve spent a lot of time trying to be more deliberate about, because despite the fact that I am not conflict avoidant, I hate conflict.  That is a difficult concept for some who know me to understand, because I will jump into the fray as and when I believe necessary, but I find the discord and strife very unsettling, and I generally don’t want to be a part of it.  I’d prefer that people just get along and not have to participate in the conflict at all… the problem is that someone needs to be willing to stand up for what they believe is right or take up the defense of others, and I believe those are fights worth fighting.

I believe integrity matters and it defines us.  I’d love to be able to say I’ve always been 100% honest.  I haven’t.  That being said, I’ve also been burned by the mistakes I’ve made badly enough and enough times that I have a very difficult time not being 100% honest today.  That said, there’s a big difference between being honest and being “right”, and I understand that distinction.  To me, having integrity is largely about being true to our beliefs, meaning what we say, saying what we mean, and standing behind those words, regardless of the audience.  If we can say something in one conversation, that version of our “truth” shouldn’t be any different when a different audience is present.  Speaking our truth, though, shouldn’t get in the way of being receptive and open to other points of view and being willing to acknowledge when we are wrong, and there is a significant amount of integrity to be found there as well.  Yes, it can take strength to present one’s views honestly in a difficult situation, but it can take even more courage at times to admit when you’re wrong… and that’s not always easy when the stakes are high.  The best thing I can say about being transparent and having high standards in terms of integrity is that it actually makes life a lot easier.  Maintaining alternate forms of truth seems pretty complex, time consuming, and stressful from my perspective, and it’s amazing how easy it is to answer questions and discuss things as many times as may be required when you’ve never “made something up” in the process.

Finally, I believe we shouldn’t be measured by what we have, but what we give, and what we do in service of others. It could be that this is a matter of mental self-preservation right now, given the challenges that came with losing my job in 2016, but ultimately I leaned in and invested in helping others despite the significant challenges we faced.  I don’t regret those choices, they are part of what I feel the best about, but they came with their own form of stress at times.  The time it will also take to dig out from the impact of those decisions could be material as things stand, but it served as a reminder of the importance we place on ourselves versus those we care about.  Arguably, I need to do a better job thinking through where those boundaries are heading into the new year, because I probably sacrificed more than I should have and at some point I need to make sure I don’t get crushed under the weight of what I give.

In any case, one of the things I feel good about coming out of 2016 was the things I did to help other people.  Conversely, heading into 2017, my inability to do the same at the level I previously have (given those investments) is somewhat frustrating right now, but who knows what may change in time as the year progresses.

Overall, I doubt that many would disagree with the beliefs I’ve expressed as good ones to have.  The question is really about living into them, and to that extent, I feel very good about the choices I made in 2016.  We can’t influence or control how others respond to our truth, our kindness, or our charity at times, but it doesn’t make the intention or the effort any less significant, and that’s something I continue to remind myself when necessary.

Making a professional transition

It’s tempting to focus on the journey of losing and finding a job, but that’s not really the goal of reflecting on the job transition that came in 2016.  I wrote a separate article on the learnings from the search experience already and hopefully that will prove helpful to others somehow.

What made 2016 significant in terms of job transition was the realization of the risk of allowing myself to stagnate professionally.  While I learned a great deal over the five and a half years of my job, I also became very complacent about the lack of challenge, ability to grow and learn, and unpleasant parts of the environment itself.  It was an interesting part of my search process to have a number of people ask me how I lasted so long doing what I was doing.  As much as that sounds like an insult to the organization, it really is a critique of the fact that I didn’t take an active enough role in looking for something different and something better, that would give me a larger sense of professional participation, engagement, and growth.  That’s 100% on me, and it was a major revelation of 2016.  I can’t be a passenger in my own career, and I settled for way too long for something I didn’t enjoy doing.  Moving forward, I need to do a much better job being open and aware of the possibilities to continue to learn and develop, whether within my current environment or in a new one.  I’ve never been a person who moved from company to company, and I don’t expect that to change.  I do, however, have an increased awareness of the reality of the concept of “at will” employment, and I paid the price of being largely unprepared for the reactive and somewhat morally questionable decisions that led to a major impact on me and a lot of other unsuspecting people in the middle of 2016.

Aside from general awareness, one other thing that I realized early in the year through an opportunity where I was deeply engaged in the interviewing process, was the passion I had for trying to engage at a different level in my work and truly drive significant results.  While I’ve always been very committed and results-oriented, I think the lack of emotional investment that I had for a number of years built up into a lot of untapped energy that I’ve yet to expend.  How and when that will come out, I’m really not sure, but there was a time early in 2016, with a specific opportunity, where I had the first real “let’s go do this!” level feeling I’ve had in a long time… and I hope that I can find that resonance either in what I’m now doing, or in whatever comes down the road.  That alignment of personal goals and organizational opportunity was there for a brief period of time, and while that specific position didn’t work out, it was a powerful experience in terms of my desire to push myself much harder than perhaps I have in some time.  Conversely, having that feeling and sense of possibility, and then not having it come to fruition was probably one of the largest disappointments of the year overall.  Not because it had any direct, real impact to me or my family, but because I felt the impact of the loss of possibility… I had allowed myself to envision what could be possible if that opportunity came to be, along with a set of other life changes that I was considering (at the time) as a result.  The first domino falling was meant to set off others, and unfortunately, it fell in the wrong direction, leaving a lot of other things I had considered as positive steps standing and stuck right where they were.  Considering that my job then went in the wrong direction only a few months later, it was a compounded impact that has been difficult to overcome, but hopefully will subside and be replaced with a new vision as 2017 gets into motion.

Living an engaged life

This final point is honestly more about 2017 in the sense of action, but the realization for the need to change did come over the course of 2016.

I was very blessed during the course of the year to be inspired to change; to revisit what I’ve been doing, how I’ve been thinking, how I’ve been living, how my passion hadn’t really been leveraged in the right ways… a lot of things that come to living life to the fullest.  I was and probably still am… falling short.  That isn’t to say I don’t have a full life, or a million things going on, or things to feel good about, or anything like that.  The point is whether I was sitting back and being a passenger or leaning forward and being the driver enough of the time.

One of the things I came to realize over course of the year was that I allowed myself to slip into too much of a passive and risk-averse position, for many reasons.  The point, however, is that I’ve wanted that to change, and through a combination of choice and circumstance, I started coming around that corner through the course of the year.  While I’m not suggesting that we can or should control life, which is not possible, I want to find a way to enjoy the ride and explore the side roads a little more than perhaps I have been for the last few years (at a minimum).  All the reasons that I decided to choose peace and stability for a period of time were reasonable and arguably necessary coming out of some difficult experiences several years ago, but I believe that time period has ended and a new one is here… the question is really taking the first steps out onto the new road and seeing where it will lead, accepting the challenge it represents, but looking for the opportunities to enjoy the experience along the way.

Summing it all up, as I said at the opening, 2016 was a year of significant contrasts and a year of major change… I could see it for the obstacles and adversity, but I’m trying very much to see it for what I learned and what it did to make me stronger and give me new perspective heading into a new year.  Whether I’ll be able to say something similar at the end of 2017, I have no idea… but I certainly expect I’ll see and experience things I haven’t before, and maybe that’s exactly what I’ve needed for some time.

So, thank you 2016.  I’m really glad you’re over.  I’m looking forward to seeing what I can do to make 2017 put you to shame… but if all you did was teach me I am strong and I can survive adversity, you did your job well… and I’ll probably come back and thank you for it later.  In the meantime, I have work to do…

-CJG 01/02/2017

Man versus Cat versus Tree

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I love my cats.  Most certainly, yes.  I love them.  I have to… or they are both going to end up out in the snow in the next 30 seconds…  I love coffee in the morning as well… yes, coffee… and that pot isn’t done yet… dammit.

It seemed like a good idea.  I’ll get a real Christmas tree this year.  Haven’t done it in something like 10 years, long overdue.  We have our Charlie Brown artificial tree, but a friend showed me the tiny, equivalent-sized real tree she bought and… hey, maybe I can do that!  We used to get two real trees a year, after all… Maybe a change would be a good thing and help get me in the spirit, despite what’s been a pretty brutal 2016.

Oh wait a second… the cats.  I saw Stormy do a flying tackle of Charlie Brown tree before.  Is this a good idea?  What could happen if they tackle this one?  Water all over the carpet?  A stain that will never come out? Pine needles even more all over the place than is normally a hassle to clean up?  Well… come on, what are the odds?  Pretty slim… and you get that awesome tree smell in the house for a month.  Totally worth it.  I’m in!!

Ok, fast forward a couple weeks… it’s been a constant chess game… where’s Stormy?  Yep, there he is, stalking the bottom of the tree… staring down the tree skirt, his apparent sworn enemy.  “What are you hiding under there?  I know you’re hiding something!”  His pea-sized cat brain seems to be convinced it’s something he wants.  Why conceal it otherwise, right?… “Stormy, get away from the tree…”, I say, as if he will suddenly develop the capacity for any comprehension of those words.  Oh, right, he’s a cat, he’s an idiot… Where’s Lucky, for that matter?  Oh, wait, Lucky’s hiding somewhere.  He’s a coward.  He’d never try something so bold as an attack on the tree in broad daylight.  His boldest move to date is probably a yack on the carpet in another room… when no one is around.  Or that dump I found on the carpet the night they slept in the office, with BOTH litter boxes three feet away… yep, that seems like his speed… little passive aggressive bastard…

I wonder if the coffee is done…?  Nope.  Shit.

I guess I should’ve seen the escalation coming.  It was inevitable, I suppose.  Man versus beast versus Douglas Fir… versus… beast.  Where the “beasts” are both idiots.  I was outnumbered from Day One.  They have me flanked and outgunned.  I can’t stay up all night… I can’t be here all day, though, given both of them sleep what seems like 20 hours in a day, that doesn’t seem to matter a whole lot.  Really the most active time of the day for them is when they want to be fed when I get up and then 3 o’clock in the morning, when it’s just damn hilarious to them to fight, run a few sprints around the entire house, and jump up and down the cat tree on the other side of the wall from my bed, slamming it into the wall in the process, sometimes waking me with a sound echoing of the coming apocalypse… oh no, wait, it’s just the damn cats… being assholes at 3am.  Definitely not having coffee then, I’d never get back to sleep.

You’d think, having rescued these two idiots, they’d be a little more docile… heck, even a bit more appreciative.  I “rescued” you two morons… doesn’t that engender even the slightest hint of “let’s do our best not to piss him off and do dumb stuff” in a cat?  Apparently not.  This is the cost of no appreciable longer term memory I guess.  Oddly, they know where to go for food… that part they get.  Being nice to me first thing in the morning when it’s time for food… yep, they are all over that.  That behavior they can learn… little charlatans.

So, where did this go so dreadfully wrong?  I don’t really know, to be honest.  It’s been an ongoing back and forth with Stormy… him pulling the tree skirt open… sticking a paw into the water basin… pulling a low hanging branch off here and there… carrying it across the room or the house… forgetting why he had it in his mouth in the first place… spitting it out… like he’s creating a little treasure hunt for me… how cute, right?  No.  Not cute.  Pain in the ass… more like that.  More like… I wonder what he’d look like without his fur… cat shave!!!

Yesterday afternoon, I was reading something on the computer… and it happened… SLURP… SLURP… SLURP… what the hell is that?  I look over and Stormy has pulled the tree skirt apart far enough that his entire head is plunged in the water basin and he’s just going to town like he found an oasis in the middle of a freaking desert… “WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!?”  He doesn’t even stop to look at me… as if he knows… when he gets here, the feast is over…. better drink this shit up right now…  that pea-sized cat brain is either really working quickly or not at all… I guess it depends on how suicidal I want to imagine him to be.

I get to the tree… he runs like he just came out of the bank vault with a bag of money jammed down his pants… ok, he doesn’t have pants… but that WOULD look hilarious, come on… I look… there’s almost NO WATER left for the tree!  I swear, that thing was probably at least half filled in the morning… HOW MUCH WATER DID HE JUST DRINK?  Holy shit.  For that much water gone, I should hear a sloshing sound as he walks across the room… either that, or he ought to be in the litter box for the next hour or two, relieving his clearly overfilled, tiny ass bladder…

Ok, this bullshit has to stop.  I’m calling in the big guns now.  Plastic bag time.

I pulled out my weapon of last resort… the plastic grocery bag.  Both cats immediately head for the stairs at full blast and… oh, hey, Lucky… had no idea you were hiding back there in the corner till now… sneaky little coward that you are… (damn, I need that coffee)…

Now the coast is clear and I can find a solution.  I’m an engineer dammit… these are two idiot cats.  No way they are going to beat me on this one.  Three semesters of physics alone and I should be able to beat them down… forget about all the rest of the chemistry, math, and other shit… I’ve got this.  We’ll take their sworn enemy, the plastic bag, and we’ll make HIM the defender of the tree.  Like putting an armed guard in the way.  They won’t possibly jack around with this one… impenetrable fortress of security… one plastic bag covering the connections on the tree skirts versus two very fearful, idiot cats… no way this solution will blow up in my face… no… freaking… way.  Yeah.  So I thought… and I’m saying these cats are stupid…

I don’t remember hearing anything last night.  I guess that’s how it’s supposed to work when bad things happen under cover of darkness… I don’t know how they did it.  I can’t say if it was entirely one or actually both of them, because Lucky apparently has some temporary bravado when no one is around… but when I woke it all seemed so normal at first.  Stormy making a ton of noise meowing, laying parallel to the opening of my bedroom door, testing to see if I’ll trip over him on my first, non-coffee supported steps of the day… Lucky, seeing the door open, runs like Hell towards the office, as if my mere appearance means that the bowls are already full, or as if seeing him run there will make me all excited to feed them.  Nope, sorry dude, it doesn’t work like that… Without coffee… your lives don’t mean much right now.  That pot brewing is your best hope for a meal, so shut up, be patient, and try to stay out of the way for the next three minutes… interfering with this can only go badly for you… really, really badly.

I take a few steps forward into the great room… I’m not sure why, but I noticed the bag first.  Maybe because it was ALL the way across the room… near the chair in the opposing corner… as if the cats spent all night getting it as far away from the tree as possible… their own version of a “fuck you” gesture, just to be clear it’s not the boss of them… not this time.  Not this tree.

“What the hell?”  I’m pretty sure those words came out of my mouth.  I can’t say really, no coffee and shock will do that sometimes…  I immediately snapped my head down at whiplash speed to check out the tree… WHERE THE HELL IS THE TREE SKIRT?!?  At first, I didn’t even see it.  Nothing… I just saw the tree stand, with a tiny amount of water in it… exposed.  naked.  exploited.  Oh my heavenly God… what happened here?  You poor tree…  The branches seemed just a little lower this morning and there is tree carnage everywhere.  I don’t remember this much of a mess yesterday when I went to bed.  It looks like they not only tossed the bag across the room and removed the tree skirt… they beat the hell out of the tree too… oh my god.  Cat vengeance is a real thing… the tree skirt was there, crumpled up in the corner… as if they said “GET OUT OF OUR WAY!” and tossed it to the side, right before they started in on the tree itself.  The horror… the horror… where is Marlon Brando when I need him…

And here’s the cats… acting as if nothing has happened… playing out their normal morning routine.  Should that be what they’re doing right now?  Doesn’t the perpetrator understand the gravity of the crime?  You don’t smash a store window, take a bunch of stuff, then walk in and buy a stick of gum the next morning, do you?  What kind of evil criminal minds are living with me?  This is scary.  Maybe I should be locking that bedroom door when I sleep… I do hear Stormy smacking at the door knob some mornings.  I’ve always assumed he just wanted me to come play at 3am… or feed them… or make coffee… maybe it was a murder plot all along.  No, they can’t be that stupid, who would feed them then?  They haven’t figured out the impenetrable security of the pony tail holder that keeps the pantry shut, so I’m probably safe for the time being…

The question is what to do now.  I could kill them both… certainly an option.  Is “double catricide” even a thing?  Is there such a thing as “justifiable catricide”?  It sounds plausible at this moment, but it could be the lack of coffee… I understand and accept that risk exists.  I suppose the people at the shelter might not appreciate me adopting and killing them both… kind of defeats the “rescue” concept.  I could try to explain that they plotted a Christmas tree assassination, and I was the only one who could save the poor defenseless tree… but what happens if they don’t celebrate Christmas… do I need to get dragged into a world religions conversation?… or even worse, find out that they’re the people who bitch about a Christmas tree in front of city hall in some nowhere town, because it somehow threatens their freedom of religion… as if the tree is going to come to their place of worship and burn it to the ground?  It’s a Christmas tree people… not a terrorist.  It’s not a ballistic missile… it’s generally a symbol of something positive and good.  When we take down the trees, the terrorists win… wait, maybe that’s a line in a movie.  Strike that part.  Damn, I need my coffee…

Anyway, what do I do now… have we reached a point where the cats kicking each other in the head during their daily fights has finally taken its toll?  I thought cats were morons before… this can’t be good.  Maybe this is why they is why they use “litter” both to describe a number of newborn cats and the place where they go to the bathroom… maybe more brainless furry criminals entering the world is an “oh shit” moment, and I’ve only just realized it.

This much is for certain.  This war is not over.  Eight days till Christmas… and I have only begun to fight… (or whatever that Revolutionary War quote is… that I might remember… if this stupid coffee ever gets done)…

-CJG 12/17/2016

The Precipice

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Here I am, at last arrived,
The precipice before my eyes,
What tomorrow brings, I do not know,
But how eager I am, to rise.

I’ve struggled for so many steps,
I’ve crawled at times, for sure,
And what I’ve learned, throughout it all,
My spirit will ever endure.

And now I see, what lays ahead,
The climb I need to make,
Though I won’t allow myself to fall,
My knees, even once, to shake.

For now, it is, my time to rise,
To reach beyond this height,
I’ve spent the time, I needed here,
And moving on feels right.

And all this time, the pain that’s been,
Has prepared me even more,
For all the things, I’ll need to do,
That journey, now in store.

So bring the dawn, I welcome you,
I feel nothing close to fear,
I’m tired of being beaten down,
And it’s my time, let’s all be clear.

And what’s behind, I thank you so,
You’ve taught me who I am,
And nothing can ever, knock me down,
…So far… I cannot stand.

And when I reach, this summit’s peak,
I’ll thank God for all He’s done,
Because I got, to here… with help,
And most surely He’s the one.

So stand back now, I need to go,
I have a mark to make,
You’re welcome to ride this wave with me,
But if you don’t, then feel my wake.

For all those who overcome hardship… who find their strength in adversity… and who will prevail.

-CJG 12/04/2016

Reflections on the Job Search

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Having recently completed what felt like a very arduous job search, I’ve been wrestling with the idea of writing this article for a while.  Certainly, there have been many things written about the dos and don’ts of a job search, of interviewing, and most of it probably wonderful and helpful.  Honestly, I’ve read some of it, but that’s not really the purpose here.

I’ll state up front that nothing herein contained may be unique, novel, etc.  There are a lot more educated and informed people than me on this topic, and I’d certainly suggest that anyone heading into a search do as much homework as they deem appropriate to their needs.  In my case, I did some, but not a lot of it.  I don’t tend to do much “research” when leaning into something unless I’m really uncomfortable with the subject.  I generally want to jump in and navigate a situation based on what I see that is working and what isn’t.  It’s not an approach that works for everyone, so I’m just going to acknowledge that up front and allow whomever takes the time to read this to decide whether some of the points are helpful or not.  They are ultimately my experience of and observations on what happened in my case.  Is there general applicability?  I actually believe some of this could be quite helpful to others going through the process, which is partially my goal: to aid in that effort.  The other primary goal is to get the experience down in writing and help myself move forward.

Fundamentally, writing is a cathartic process for me, but it also serves as a means to help organize my thoughts, reflect, and try to determine what I’ve learned from my experiences.  In this case, the search process itself was extremely stressful and challenging, as I expect it would be for anyone heading into or experiencing it today, and looking back on what occurred is at least a minor attempt at trying to glean out the things that I would apply should I find myself in the situation again.  A professional career is a long-term thing and, as such, it’s incumbent upon all of us to find ways to improve and be better at everything surrounding it, including periods of change.

In any case, I wanted to open with an acknowledgement of the reason behind writing this, as well as the understanding that there are a lot smarter people than me who have written on the topic.  The goal here is simply to relate my experience and observations.  To the extent it can help others, I certainly hope it does.  Searching for a job can be an extremely stressful and challenging experience.  If something here helps take even one day out of that process for someone else, the effort in writing it will have been worthwhile, and I sincerely hope that will be the case.

The remainder of this article will be focused on five aspects of my job search: the overall context, the “searching”, the interviewing, observations on the search process, and the emotional side of the search.

The Overall Context

First of all, I was lucky in my search process and, given I was looking as an experienced hire, the fact that it took a little over fifteen weeks was a very favorable outcome.  That is true both because I was thrust into the process with no warning and no financial relief and I ultimately ended up with a better position than the one I left behind.  I also had three viable career options at the end of the search, which helped reduce the risk and stress I would have otherwise encountered had I been dependent on a single choice.

At an overall level, certainly one thing that I took out of the process was that maintaining an active professional network is something everyone should do, because things like this can and do happen, and being as unprepared as I was certainly added time and some lag to the front end of the process.  While I had explored some options prior to being hit by an unexpected reduction in force, I simply wasn’t ready to be engaged in a time-critical, full time search and I wish I had done a better job staying connected and being aware of what was going on across my network while I was working, not necessarily because I would’ve been looking to leave my job, but because the time it took to get caught up could’ve been avoided had I just been a little more conscious of staying connected with people along the way.

A second point at an overall level is that I was also very lucky because I had a safety net in place that provided the time needed to complete the search and helped our family avoid what could have been much more severe consequences.  Certainly, the old adage to “hope for the best, but prepare for the worst” is something I’d also recommend to everyone in terms of my experience.  I know there is a lot written about setting aside X months of salary just in case of a job loss.  I never really gave that much thought until this situation occurred and, while there are practical limitations in terms of what any of us can reasonably set aside for a rainy day, we were very lucky that we had the means to carry us through the period of time required.  Other people who had been impacted by the same event may not have been as fortunate, and I certainly hope and pray that they were either able to find something quickly or to find a way to carry themselves through as well.

Third, it’s important to understand that you won’t finish what you don’t start in terms of a search.  I will write some specific observations on the search process itself separately, but the overall point is that the hiring process will take time, no matter what you do, and even in the best of scenarios, it will take more than a month at almost any company, and more likely two or more from my experience.  Certainly there can be exceptions to that statement, but the hiring process moves at a pace that is independent to the urgency of a candidate.  It moves at a pace that is driven on the needs of the company filling the position and, insofar as my search was concerned, that was generally not very fast.

Given the previous point, since even a successful interviewing process will take a possibly material amount of time, if there is time-sensitivity involved in a search, a priority in starting a time-critical search needs to be surfacing as many opportunities as possible, as quickly as possible.  In cases where someone has a reasonable financial cushion that allows for a more deliberate and drawn out process, this may not be as important, but when time is a factor, certainly a candidate needs to get as many lines in the water as possible quickly, so the process of establishing and exploring leads can begin.  In my case, the job that I ultimately secured came into the process as of the sixth week of my search and took nine weeks to complete.  While there is no way to evaluate whether making that connection earlier would’ve resulted in a shorter search, there also wasn’t any physical barrier to having gotten started, so it is entirely possible that I wasted time (and money) by not exploring that avenue sooner.  This was actually true for two of the three companies that were in active consideration at the end of my search, so in hindsight, I wish I had done a better job at this early on.

In stating the previous point, while I will touch on the emotional side of the process separately and it may be obvious that surfacing opportunities is important, the issue in executing it effectively has little to do with the pragmatic side of a search.  Generally speaking, there are two things that almost anyone will experience on the front end of a search: the disappointment and shock of being impacted in their current position and the somewhat overwhelming prospect of conducting a job search while unemployed, especially if the person didn’t have one going at the time they were impacted.  The combination of these two things makes getting started in earnest very difficult for most people in my experience, and there is a very careful balance to be struck in allowing oneself to heal and recover from having been through an adverse impact situation and also getting focused on moving forward effectively.  Ultimately, the best I can say is that tenacity and persistence matter.  Some days just won’t be productive, others will.  The trick is to make the most of the days that are productive ones and to try and find ways to make some level of progress on even the days where focus and positive momentum isn’t easy to maintain.

As a final overall point, I fundamentally believe that beginning with the end in mind is important.  It has often been said that it is far better to be running towards something than running away from something else.  The statement is very true when it comes to a search.  Again, in my case, I was very fortunate that things worked out as they did, but I also was conscious of trying to make sure that I was only pursuing opportunities that I had an actual interest in taking on as my next job.  I did not apply to every position I saw on the internet, especially when I felt I didn’t match up well to the stated position requirements.  I also did not apply to companies that would traditionally hire from my previous employer, largely because I wanted a change and they were involved in the same kind of business.  I also did not actively pursue jobs where the travel expectations were significant, because the time I have to spend with my family is very important to my work/life balance.  Arguably, not everyone will look at things this way and circumstances may necessitate a higher level of compromise depending on the situation.  Said differently though, at one level, I believe it’s relatively easy to find an undesirable job, the trick is to find one that you actually want to have.  In a ‘perfect world’, I’d certainly suggest that thinking through the next job and its ‘desirability’ is important so a candidate doesn’t waste time pursuing things that aren’t really aligned with their longer-term career goals.  Realistically speaking, if a candidate ends up securing a position they also don’t have an interest in, they will have solved the issue of being employed, but find themselves immediately back in a search or possibly an unsustainable job situation, neither of which is a good outcome.  Again, circumstances can and do have an impact of finding the ‘perfect job’, but a person can also only reasonably skip from one job to another to a limited degree over time before it will start to have an adverse impact on their future opportunities.

The “Searching”

Shifting focus to the search process itself, the first, primary point I would make, especially as an experienced hire is the obvious one… network, network, and network.  Ultimately, of the more than fifty companies/recruiters that I engaged through my search process, seven of those contacts led to opportunities with some level of active, deeper discussion.  Four of those seven opportunities (and two of the final three) came from networking with people with whom I’d previously worked, three of whom I contacted via LinkedIn messaging.  Two of the remaining three (one of which was in the final three) were contacts from executive recruiters who found my profile on LinkedIn and contacted me proactively.  The final opportunity of the seven was a position that I found on LinkedIn’s job postings to which I applied directly, although I had no connections in the company at all.  In that case, the lack of an internal advocate ultimately likely caused me to fall out of consideration as I was highly exposed to the individual impressions of the interviewers, which can be difficult to predict overall (something I’ll address in the interviewing section).

The single most valuable tool in my job search was, without any hesitation, LinkedIn.  It was useful in terms of surfacing opportunities through my network (ultimately including the position that I secured), in applying for positions (I upgraded my account to Premium for the purposes of leveraging the additional job search capabilities), and in putting my best foot forward in the interviewing process (i.e., a significant number of interviewers looked at my profile on LinkedIn in advance of conducting my interview).  Having a LinkedIn profile that is updated, contains the relevant keywords, skills, endorsements, and so forth can only help a job search, both ongoing and in creating visibility that can lead to future opportunities.  I can’t underscore this point enough.

In terms of other tools, I joined a couple executive search sites (Execunet and BlueSteps) and didn’t find anything useful from either site.  Everything on Execunet I could find through another aggregation site (like Indeed.com) and BlueSteps, while likely helpful for retained search firms to access a larger repository of candidates, did nothing to help surface any leads for me in the search process. Given there is cost associated with accessing the capabilities of these sites, I was very disappointed in the lack of utility in both.  In reaching out directly to larger executive search firms, I was again reminded of the importance of networking, because the follow up from all of the eight organizations I contacted (where I didn’t have a personal connection) was non-existent.  It’s entirely possible that one or more of these companies could have helped in my search process, but my lack of a direct connection into them all but torpedoed my effort to leverage them effectively.  Ultimately, the process that worked the best for me was to use LinkedIn as the point of origin for my overall search and extend to other sites from there.  From a process standpoint, I reviewed all of my contacts on LinkedIn individually, looking at where they were working, visited those company websites, and I took one of two paths.  If there was a position, I would reach out to my contact to see if I could obtain help in the application process, minimally to list the person as a reference to try and reduce the risk of being eliminated in the HR review step.  If there was not a position listed and I either had a strong relationship with the individual or liked what I saw about their current company, I would send them a message on LinkedIn to ask if there were any opportunities.  Ultimately, this latter approach is what led to the position I eventually secured, because there was no position listed for the job I am filling.  It came entirely as a byproduct of reaching out to a friend from a previous employer.  The other approach I used with LinkedIn was to continually review the postings available on the site itself and either post directly to positions I found there (one of which turned into a relatively well qualified opportunity) or use the postings as a means to identify companies that matched up with the smaller to mid-size organization that I ultimately wanted to pursue.  Again, the utility of the site was well beyond anything else I leveraged in the search process and notwithstanding a better platform surfacing in the coming years, it would definitely be the starting point I’d use for any future search.

As a final point on networking, for people early in their career, they won’t have as much direct professional experience to draw from, so likely the best thing to do would be to lean on experienced people with whom there is a strong personal relationship and see whether that can help reduce the barriers that will otherwise exist in the process.  On the experienced hire side, I’d simply say that I felt sending a resume anywhere where I didn’t already have a connection was 80-90% likely to be a waste of time.  In practice, after a point, senior positions require such a depth and breadth of capabilities that relying solely on a resume and/or cover letter to break through the initial barriers in the process is nearly impossible.  This isn’t to say that it can’t be done, but my experience was that having confidence in a job pursuit is directly related to whether you know someone in the target organization already and the strength of the relationship you have with that individual.

The Interviewing

At an overall level, the things that I believe matter in terms of job satisfaction are: the work you do, the person you work for, the people you work with (internal and external), the level of travel involved, the compensation associated with the position, ability to maintain work/life balance, and the culture of the company as a whole.  In my experience, if you can find four or more things in a given job, the opportunity will probably work out reasonably well (assuming there isn’t one factor that materially outweighs everything else, like being significantly undercompensated).  In the event, however, that more of the above factors are not in your favor, there will likely be significant problems somewhere in maintaining satisfaction with the job.  As a result, this is the set of dimensions at which I am generally looking during the interviewing process.

Beyond the overall search criteria, the first observation I’d make on the interviewing process is related to preparedness.  While it is common sense to be prepared for interviews, it doesn’t hurt to reiterate the importance of thinking through a few things relative to making the most of the opportunity.  In my experience, many people asked me for a short overview on my career, what I was looking for in the next opportunity, what was good or bad about my last job, why I changed jobs in the past, and what I found interesting or exciting about the specific opportunity we were discussing.  I certainly got much better at answering these questions the farther I got into my search, but the experience drove home the importance of thinking through the messaging you want to come through in the process, because it should reflect your priorities, values, and ideology overall.  Thinking through some of the general behavioral interview questions (e.g., times when you have overcome adversity, addressed complex business problems, managed difficult client situations) is also worthwhile.  This is an area where I could have done a better job early in the search, because having twenty-five years and five jobs worth of experience to draw from was almost overwhelming in terms of trying to pick the best example in line with a particular question from an interviewer.  At one point, I realized I was trying to think through the behavioral interview questions too much on the fly and so I spent a small amount of time reflecting on each of my jobs and trying to think about what major examples might be good discuss from each.  That exercise is one that I realistically should have done as soon as I started the process.

In terms of the questions I asked the prospective employers, I generally asked two things of everyone I met at a minimum: what they liked the most and the one thing they would change about their company, and the same question in relation to their company’s culture.  In most cases, the response on things people would change dealt with a functional aspect of their job: workload, travel, more operating efficiency, access to the right expertise across the organization, but culture rarely came up.  When asking about culture, however, sometimes the answers were more concerning in terms of a potential workplace than the operational things people mentioned on the first question, while in others, the positive cultural aspects of the workplace that came through made a prospective employer much more attractive, regardless of the day-to-day issues the individual otherwise had just described.

As a final point on interviewing, I was very surprised but reminded of the importance of brand and reputation in the companies for whom we ultimately work in the course of our career.  My recent employer and the nature of their business was brought up by interviewers multiple times during the course of my search, and never in a positive way.  While there isn’t much a candidate can do in addressing such things, beyond remaining positive and focusing on the desirable attributes of a former employer, I was reminded that the choices we make with regard to our place of work can be a positive or a negative thing in terms of future opportunities.  I hadn’t encountered the issue in previous searches, but I was made very aware of it in my most recent experience and it is something I’d definitely recommend people consider when choosing their next place of work.  That company will be on your resume from the point you accept a job forward, and hopefully that is something you will be proud to tell people in the future.

Observations on the Search Process

In terms of the search process itself, there are really two points I’d make at an overall level.  First is that the availability of information and transparent communication is a significant factor in maintaining a sense of momentum and navigating the process effectively.  Allowing the process time to unfold can be particularly difficult in a time-critical search, but being overanxious can definitely undermine the effort, and it’s important to know when to wait, when to follow up, and what questions to ask along the way.  For the most part, I found the recruiters I worked with to be helpful, though there were a couple places where the person facilitating the process misled me in terms of timeframes for things to happen, criticality of certain activities in the process and so on.  The best advice I can give with regard to this is to treat everything in the hiring process like it matters, regardless of whether someone says not to worry about it.

With regard to having the right expectations, I’d strongly suggest that a candidate ask the person facilitating the process how many steps their process typically requires, how long those steps may take, and what things are important for them to be successful in navigating the process itself.  I will address the emotional side of the search next, but the lack of knowing how far you are in the interview process, the number of steps ahead of you, the things that are most important to a given company in how you show up, and so on can be extremely stressful.  To the extent that companies want flexibility in how they engage with a specific candidate, it could be the case that they will not be proactive in laying out the expected process up front, but my general experience was that they do have an idea how it likely would progress if everything goes well.  Looking at the companies where I had active discussion, once there is interest in talking, most companies started with at least one or two phone screens to provide vetting against the opportunity at an overall level and cull the list of prospects to something more manageable.  From there, minimally there will be an interview with the hiring manager, possibly with their direct manager, and then potentially a variable number of peers or team members depending on the level of internal validation and concurrence the organization wants prior to making a decision.  In my experience, the time between these interviews was generally over one week, and averaged roughly two weeks per step in almost every company with whom I spoke.  In the situation where a search is time-sensitive, this can add a considerable amount of stress, which is why I’d strongly suggest a candidate try and understand that number of steps and the overall anticipated duration up front, so they can manage their personal expectations accordingly.

The Emotional Side of the Search

The final dimension of a search is probably the most difficult one to manage, and it deals with the emotional roller coaster that is part and parcel of the process itself.  In many ways, it is as important as anything else in what a candidate does, but it’s the part that seems to be discussed the least by the nature of what is involved… the underlying sense of inadequacy, failure, and isolation that can come with losing a job in the first place.

While there is no direct, tangible way to address what is fundamentally emotional in nature, my first suggestion relative to managing the distress associated with a job search is simply for a candidate to accept the reality that, while you certainly can influence the outcome and facilitate overall progress in your search, the hiring process is not within your control, and you can only do so much about that. This issue is probably the area where I personally struggled the most, because no matter how many applications you submit, follow up emails you send, time you make available to interview, and so on… you can only can control your portion of the process and the rest depends on the individuals and companies with whom you are dealing.  As a results-oriented person, I found this exceptionally frustrating at times, because there are days in a search process where there literally isn’t anything you can do to move the needle forward on the opportunities you care the most about, and the best you can do is look at other positions that may be available and throw other lines in the water to try and generate more leads.

In conjunction with the loss of control, there is a definitely sense of isolation that comes from a full-time search, in part because a candidate loses the sense of connection they have with their friends who are still working.  Whether the job loss was within one’s control or not, there is a very dramatic change between feeling like you are part of the larger workforce community and being shifted into the realm of the ‘unemployed’, which has a negative connotation overall.  Finding ways to stay healthy and active and keeping connected with friends and family throughout the search process is an important aspect to maintaining a healthy self-image during what can be a long and arduous search.  While this sounds simple enough, taking an active role on remaining connected, networking with other people searching for jobs, and so on can be very important in keeping your energy and focus so that you don’t undermine your own effectiveness in executing the search itself.

Again, overall there isn’t a simple solution to dealing with the stress and adversity of a search, but it is important to understand and acknowledge that our emotional wellbeing can be very difficult to maintain under the circumstances, and we should pay attention to ensuring we remain mentally and physically healthy so as not to allow things to become more difficult than they already are.

Wrapping up

As one final note and suggestion on the process itself, one final thing that I did in concluding my process was to review all of the connections I made throughout the process, thank everyone who helped, and extend connection requests to every person I met through the process that I wanted to be part of my network on LinkedIn for the future.  This could be a very easy thing to overlook, but I’d strongly suggest making sure that a candidate do it as a result of a search rather than allow that entire trail to go cold, especially for other prospective employers where things didn’t pan out for some reason or other.  You never know where the road will lead, and the search itself is definitely an opportunity to build a more robust foundation for the future.

Well, this turned out to be a little more than I thought I would write on the topic, but hopefully some of the information is useful.  Again, the goal was to relate my observations given my recent experience in the hope that it can help someone else and to bring some closure to what was a very challenging period of time.  My final word of advice to anyone else finding themselves in a similar situation is simply this: reach out and ask for help, you will be surprised how many people will rise to the occasion, whether they are the people you’d expect or others you never thought would come through… the worst thing you can do is assume you have to take on a search entirely on your ownThere are good people out there willing to help.  It was certainly my experience.  Many more people have gone through the struggle than you’d probably realize and, consequently, there are a lot of people who know the challenge and will be willing to help someone else.

For anyone reading this who is going through a search yourself, the best of luck in finding your way to the destination, I hope this was helpful…

-CJG 12/03/2016

On the loss of Civility

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I woke this morning, like many others, to a rash of political postings from both sides of the endless debate.  Today’s share of the mud, ready to be slung, full force, in the opposite direction.  As it is on every other day, the message is on the people, the personalities, the remarks made, in and out of context, today and at some point in the past.  It is not on the issues, the challenges we face, the proposals, the solutions the candidates have offered.  It’s been so long since I’ve seen anything along those lines that I wonder if anyone even knows a position from their preferred candidate on any of it, beyond perhaps a passing headline here or there.

My belief is that, for the most part, even the most fervent of people posting remarks on behalf of their preferred candidate today are well aware that their comments are having no effect on the audience receiving them (who made up their mind individually months ago, in all probability), but they are doing so as a reaction to the fear and anxiety that perhaps the opposing candidate may actually win.  What does it say that such fear is present in a process that should ideally be a choice between two equally qualified candidates?

What has happened to the electoral process?  It feels like we’ve ended up with two choices no one wants, and those who might be reasonable choices could be afraid to run for office given the scrutiny and unyielding assault that is part of the process itself.

At the time Richard Nixon famously failed the test of the first televised debates, it changed the landscape of what would be required of presidential candidates from there forward.  Today, the microscope of public attention is even more intensely focused on every word, every action, every phrase, to the point where anything a candidate has said or done is subject to immediate criticism and widespread public attack through the mechanism of social media.  It is a much more intense incarnation of what Nixon encountered in 1960, and I would argue that we have yet to find a solution.  I say this because today’s electoral process has yet to surface a healthy way for qualified candidates to engage without being discouraged to participate in the first place.  In 1960, the solution seemed relatively simple and cosmetic in nature, insofar as a candidate prepared to be on camera and it seemed like the impact of television was largely contained.  Today it is far more severe, with everything being monitored 24 hours a day, thrown under a microscope, analyzed, spun and represented as a means to disparage or discredit an opposing candidate at every possible opportunity.  Facts are subject to the way in which they are presented, rarely checked.  Positions are rarely established or understood.  Personalities are the focus of attention.  Shouldn’t we want and expect more?

What is more concerning is the share of the population who seem eager to jump on the bandwagon and support the way in which things work, rather than question whether the way in which we are evaluating a critical decision for our leadership has gone significantly far from criteria and inputs that matter.  Certainly in the history of presidential elections there are many instances where someone was elected in the pre-television/pre-media driven era when candidates were elected whose character may have, by current standards, been considered largely inadequate.  It would be interesting to know how many such instances exist where the commonly held understanding of that same President was actually largely that they were a good and successful leader for the country.

Process aside, my concern is actually on the larger effect all this is having on us as a country and society.  The political process, as driven through the media and campaigns influencing it, is undoubtedly polarizing and purposefully so.  We are being driven to extremes for the express purpose of seeing certain candidates as a threat, as extreme, and as distinct and different from the one we are meant to support as possible.  It’s not a difficult strategy to understand.  The more similar the candidates seem, the more of an actual choice needs to be made and the more people really need to consider the options and the issues.  The more polarized the audience is, the more fear and hate that can be inspired, the more the electorate may base their decisions on emotion and skip the rational evaluations that could otherwise lead to a closer and more thoughtful debate.  Does emotion play a role?  Absolutely, of course, yes, as does character and the personality and behavior of the candidates.  It is, however, not the only and sole criteria upon which such an important decision should be made.  What is the most frightening of all is the degree to which we’ve been subjected to the messaging for such a long period of time that it has become an accepted form of discourse and behavior, and it’s simply not the right way to arrive at an informed choice on who should lead the country.

My simple belief is that there are more people in this country who are tolerant than not.  I believe there are more people in the center of the moral and political spectrum than on the extreme end points.  I believe there is more source for agreement than disagreement.  For civility and not for conflict.  So why is it that, as we navigate through the political process, that we are so caught in the end points and not in the center?  Why are the candidates presented as extremes and not representative leaders of the population they are meant to serve?  Is it purely to pander to the interests of those who are at those extremes or is it to draw a distinction between their views and those of other candidates in the process, whether from the same or opposing party?  Does it operate in this fashion because our collective attention span is so short and distracted that we’ve actually lost the ability to engage in a meaningful, respectful, and thoughtful debate on the issues?  If all the candidates are truly so extreme, doesn’t it mean the process itself is failing to provide us with a representative leader for our government?

In sitting down to write this morning, I didn’t have an end in mind.  I didn’t have a candidate to advocate.  I simply had frustration and sadness.  We are better than this political process we are now living in.  We are more unified than divided.  It is what has and continues to make our country strong and great.  Our unity and diversity both.  Our ability to find common ground and work towards the greater good.

The political process in this country is fundamentally broken and, in every way that we continue to support and enable its dysfunction, we are allowing it to continue.  Maybe there is nothing we can do about it this time, but we will never change that which we accept and condone through our actions.  There has to be a better way, there has to be a civil and informed way to elect our leaders.  My hope is that we find a better way soon.  For the good of our country, and all of us who stand in the center, wondering how we became so divided and extreme.

184252-CJG 10/09/2016

When Tomorrow Comes

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When Tomorrow Comes

I wonder where it leads,
This long and winding road,
At times it seems we’ve lost the way,
And we’re not clear on where to go.

I’d like to think the best of mankind,
That we’ve got each other’s back,
But so many times it seems,
We’re lost and way off track.

The words we use, in ways we speak.
They set a tone of discourse,
And if we know, this fact is true,
Why are we so unaware of that force?

We tip them over,
These dominoes in line,
And express such hate, in ways we speak,
How can we think it’s fine?

It’s a choice we make,
The way we live,
And it should be hard to take,
And easy to give.

And maybe we need a reminder,
This bitter pill to swallow,
To understand we’re a part of this story,
And we can help write tomorrow.

-CJG 11/14/2015

For the innocents who lost their lives, for their families and loved ones, my prayers and heartfelt condolences.